Thursday, March 28, 2013

Hurricane (PRESENT

FIghting back tears, turning up the music trying to drown out the the thoughts. My ears are ringing because its so loud, i can't hear anything else, but i can't stop them. The tears leak out, against my will while rage boils beneath the surface. I don't know what caused it, all i can do it weather it.
" You're not worth it."
"Who could ever stand to be with you."
"You'll never amount to anything."
"Why would he want you?"
"I hate you."
"You're nothing but a fat, useless bitch."
"You're nothing but a screw up."

" No one will ever love a woman like you."
"You're too broken to be loved."
Its like a hurricane of hate, pain and the defensive rage that follows. I feel sick. I want to run, i want to run until i can think anymore. I want to bury the blade into my flesh until they crease to be. It takes so much just to sit in this chair and do nothing. I can barely breathe. I have no one, no one i dare show the darkness too. How much i hurt, how broken i am. They couldn't stand it, it makes them uncomfortable.  You can see it on their faces, they just want to talk about something else, anything else. No one teaches how to deal with this kind of shit.
Stop the spiral, don't allow the descent into the darkness, stay above it. Survive. Thats all i have to do, and then i win. Everyday i survive, is a battle won. Control the rage. I want to break everything, but then i will have nothing. They get to have laughter, fun while i'm coming apart at the seams. ITS NOT FAIR! Breathe. Control. Find some, wield it like an impenetrable shield from the rest of the fucking world. They can't touch me unless i allow it. And i will never allow it. No one is allowed at my core, its too pathetically weak. It can't take any more damage, it won't survive. My stomach rollings, swallowing to keep the bile down. I will win this fight. It will pass and i will go on with my life wherever it might lead.
Control the rage. Manage the pain. I can survive on my own. Watch me.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Dreams are blurred (PRESENT)

The other night i had a dream that mixed my present and my past. It rocked me, as these dreams always do. Everything I've ever read or heard says i should be disgusted, ashamed, angry over what happened to me, and some days i am. Its when i have the dreams that i remember it didn't always hurt, sometimes it felt good. That he wasn't some big evil monster, being with him sexually was something i wanted too. (to a point) No one talks about that part, how your body can learn/be taught to enjoy it, while you kind of like it but its kind of uncomfortable  No one tells yous its wrong, its just a secret. This is how your raised, you don't know any better, or any other way.
The dream starts out with a man slapping this woman across the face telling her she is worthless. I can't ever see his face, but i know who he is. Its my step father, and woman, i don't know who she is, i can see her face but its not anyone i know. However, i know who she represents, she is my mother. She is calm and resilient to his treatment and threats. Suddenly the dream morphs and instead omniscient watching I'm now in the dream and he is walking towards me. I am 9 to possibly 11 years old, completely nude. My body (obviously) is pre-pubescent, i have no breasts and no hair anywhere except on my head. I watch his torso coming towards me, his cock rising as he moves closer. I know he is eager to be inside me, and briefly, it frightens me, but i have done this before. I can feel him pressing himself against me, his cock pressing against my back as he reaches down and runs his fingers over my pussy lips. Murmuring to himself as traces my peach-fuzz down to my slit and comes back up. Repeating the action, whether hes trying to arouse me or himself i do not know. I can feel wetness gathering there, it feels good. I can feel how strong he is while he towers over me, holding me still with one arm while the other continues to wander over my most private area. I can smell that musky smell that tells me hes aroused, and the smell of sweat and strength and its completely male.

His hand pushes me down so that i am bent over, my pussy and ass lewdly on display for his viewing pleasure. I am able to watch all of this in third person while still being present in the scene. As a result i am watching him slowly impale my small body with his cock as i can feel it as if it was happening. His cock stretches my small, young pussy wide, while my wetness eases his entry. I love how it feels to be so full of his cock as he fucks me, laughing and telling me that im such a good girl when he realize that i am enjoy it. He tells me how wet i am. I feel am slightly ashamed that he knows that i like it but the same time i do not care. Suddenly he pulls out and all i can see his cock, dripping with my wetness as he puts it against my pink star, pushing steadily, demanding entrance to my ass. Nothing is mine, everything i am belongs to him. I breath deep and try not to fight, it doesn't have to hurt if i just let him. 

His cock slowly slides in, inch by inch, stretching my small ass to its limits, it hurts but with every inch the sensation is higher. Hes stills as he fills my ass completely with his cock, waiting for the pain to subside for me. It doesn't hurt and i let him know by pushing back on his cock and fucking him. He laughs again and tells the women who has suddenly reappeared that i am a such a better fuck than she will ever be. Her face doesn't change but her eyes look at me with such hate, and i rejoice. I am better than she is and he feels so good, his fingers inside my small pussy, his cock in my ass....

The dream shifts and i am laying down on my back as he fucks my ass, drawing ever closer to filling me with his cum. I can feel his cock pulsing inside me, i know hes close. I writhe and moan as he pushes me higher, and suddenly i'm flying. After a moment i realize that i feel empty and my pussy lips are being spread wide by his fingers, while i feel this warm wetness covering it, sometimes its feels odd but i am too exhausted to bother to look at what hes doing. However, i can still see the entire scene. He'd pulled out of my ass and spread my pussy wide and aimed his cum at my fuck hole, getting cum inside me and all over my pussy. 

The dream ended and i woke up, my pussy throbbing. Feeling dazed, confused, angry, aroused and just trying to make sense of everything. How much of my life is affected by what happened back then? Probably more than i will ever want to know. 

Wednesday, April 25, 2012


My boyfriend and I broke up in early February and I basically ran away to my friends house, and lived with them for a month. My friends are a poly family and were looking for a third, to be honest i just wanted a safe place to hide where I was too far away to beg my EX to take me back. I was such a three way relationship wouldn't work, and i told them so. They were okay with me just being a friend, maybe a benefriend, if i wanted. At first i was eager for the distraction they offered, just someone who cared about me and something to do. We had a lot of fun, I loved being around their kids and I was slowly starting to really the guy....

The problem was that I was in such emotional pain though, from my ex, that i was having trouble controlling my *other half.* I have never felt that way before, like my skin wasn't my own, it wasn't a feeling I liked and it isn't one i ever care to feel again. Added to it was the stress from their relationship falling apart, and additionally
I didn't care for how his fiancee treated his daughter. It reminded me way too much of how my mother treated me.  All and all it was not a good place mentally for me but at the same time being here with him was the happiest i'd been in YEARS. As the month wore on, I got closer to him and when they did break up, I was asked to go back to my familiies ranch for a month while they settle out his and hers and she gets packed up. I didn't like that idea at all, i was afraid  i wouldn't have a place to come back to and I was totally in love with the kids and falling for him. That and i was HAPPY. I had forgotten what it was like not to fight ever other day, to not worry and stress. I didn't want it to end. He promised I could come back, as a friend, as a nanny and maybe, even as his slave. ^_^ (he was really hurt and didn't want to date anyone for a while. A common thought after one gets out of a long term relationship)

The month pasted slowly with me struggling to keep things in check at the ranch while worrying about things with my friend. He wasn't really talking to me, because she went through everything of his and he didn't want to hurt her if he could help it. I could see the dominate in him, but i also recognized that he could be very malleable and this worried me greatly. I wanted my chance with him and she was totally wrong for him and most certainly for his kids..... I worried that she would talk him into taking her back. Each time i talked to him, half of it felt like it was coming from her and not him. It just didn't feel right. I'd have to call at just the right times where he'd be alone to remind him why he was doing this and make sure he was getting what he wanted and that he didn't let her manipulate him. ( guess i was doing the same, but with the best intentions.)

The city they lived in is very kink friendly and open, I wanted to live there reguardless of what happened with me and him, I wanted to finally live as a slave and have my Master. I was talking to a guy online that ill call Talyor and he was sweet. If i didn't have kitten, and i was a normal person then i would be thrilled but all i could think was that it would be so boring to be with such a sweetie. However, I just couldn't let him go, I mean, finally a nice guy wants to be with me.... He was everything I ever dreamed, but he didn't seem to be anywhere in Kittens dreams but maybe he could learn? (I always hope this as i can hear kitten snort, and say yeah right.)

My friend was getting more and more unstable, originally i was suppose to move out there to help him with the kids and get things on track but then suddenly he didn't want that anymore... maybe i could come out in a month or two, but i could visit in the mean time. I was scared i was going to be stuck out on the ranch with my crazy family. Taylor offered to come and get me... Normally i would never do this but i was desperate to get away from my family and start rebuilding my life. I agreed. Taylor was just as cute as he described and i quickly fell for him, as i worried about how this could work with kitten. Her being ignored again, like she had been by my EX was not an option. Even so I agreed to try dating him instead of the arrangement I had worked out with my friend.

Once I got into the city (4hours of driving later) we hung out and yes, we made love a few times. (ill go over that later) When he had to go to work the next day, I had my friend pick me up so we could talk and I could explain that being his slave was not an option anymore but I would still like to be his nanny/maid/chef if he still wanted me to. That conversation went largely as I expected it to....I knew it wouldn't go over well and kitten was sure of his response but I told myself she was wrong. I could control the conversation and more importantly i could control myself, and to a point i thought i could control my friend's response. This is what i told myself as kitten laughed at me and quietly whispered to me that i was a fool if i believed that.


At this point i should be talking about my ex but i am not emotionally ready to talk about that part of my life its just too raw still. Ill update this at a later time when i can look back at it with a clear mind and heart.

Sunday, March 11, 2012


On the bus ride out of town to the airport I checked CollarMe and saw that i had a new message. I started talking right away to this guy that I'll call Rick. We talked about what we wanted and what sort of luck we'd had recently. We hit it off, i wasn't his normal type but he was interested in teaching me. I was thrilled, i haven't even arrived in the state yet and i already had a prospect for my Master. Rick wasn't really my type either but i enjoy his caring, yet controlling nature. I obviously don't get along with my family and moving back in with them was not ideal but i had no where else to go. I was eager to see Rick, to the point that when we set up our first meeting i basically stole the car to be able to meet him. I was shy and was late, he actually almost left because i took so long. We got along and decided that he would put me under consideration and see how i did. He would come over and pick me up, thought eager that i was to get off the ranch for a while, i still managed to make him wait, which he hated. He then told me that if i was late again, he'd leave without me. And i believe him, he was a real no non-sense kind of guy. If he said he was going to do something then he would just that and everyone else could go to hell.

I got a job at Whataburger and started working, about the same time, Rick put me on a strict diet to help me lose weight. I was to weight myself daily and report what i had eaten that day and what i weighted back to him. This was fine but i hadn't actually been in this situation before, and rules had always been flexible for me. I did good at sticking to my diet most of the time but not always. I wasn't following my diet like i was suppose to and he sat me down and told me how disappointed he was with me. I had two choices. We could end the consideration now, or i could accept my punishment. I chose to be punished. It was one of the very few times i actually got to hear him say he was proud of me.

I found the original part of the punishment very humiliating, he had me put my largest butt plug in, while he watched. If you've read my previous posts, you know my exbf wasn't fond of lube... well Rick watched me struggle to put it in for several Looong minutes and then finally told me that i wasn't using enough lube. After reapplying more lube, it painfully popped in, giving me a very fully feeling. I don't think id been naked in front of him before either. He proceeded to bind my arms behind me and shackle my legs together. using my collar he forced me to bend over in awkward position that left my ass exposed and unbuttoned my shirt and attached nipple clamps to them and pulled the rope taunt. and tied it to the table. It was a very vulnerable and somewhat uncomfortable position. He would ask me questions and pull on the rope connected to my nipples. Pain would race through my body and id answer out of fear that he would pull the clips off. (that hurts!) I got spanked and used anally then orally.

It might have been the same time, or maybe it was a different one but i got tied up and shackled to the fridge. No i could move, but not very far, unless i wanted to break the fridge door. It was fine, i enjoyed it. I love bondage. But then i had this creeping feeling that i had to use the bathroom. Id ignore it. I waited a while and the feeling of needing to go got stronger, and i started asking him to let me go so i could use the bathroom. He said no. I had to *beg* him to let me go to bathroom. I think he just liked hearing me grovel. :)

Another time my family took me out to eat and they bought the food. I didn't get a choice in what it was, and without thinking about it, i ate it. Never mind that i wasn't allowed to eat it, the rule was flexible for stuff like this. WRONG. There were two options here, call or text him and ask if i could or Don't eat it. Unfortunately i didn't know this at the time. and (rightly so) he got really mad at me, said i didn't listen worth beans. He then ended my consideration. I was sad, and i felt alittle cheated, if he had more patience i think i could have been a good slave for him. I really feel like i wasn't given a chance.

I moved to a bigger city and got a better job, an apartment and a car of my own. He stayed friends with me and would sometimes visit with me from time to time.We are also friends on FetLife. But almost right after he broke up with me, i got a message from collarme, someone else wanted to talk to me. He wasn't that cute, and he was into some things that i wasn't but he was awake at odd hours, like myself. I could just talk to him, what harm could it do?

Jack Daniel's (PAST)

During the time at college I was struggling to fit into college life, my first boyfriend, and having a social life. This was enough for me and i was doing well then towards mid terms i got a call from home. My grandfather, the only man who was ever there for me, was dying. They didn't know why, just that he was. He was getting blood transfusions every other day, the doctors couldn't find anything. They ran test after test and nothing. I was 3000 plus miles away, just like when my mother had died only 3yrs before. I couldn't sleep at night, i was terrified of losing him but i couldn't just drop out.

 I started buying liquor from my older roommates and from friends. I was doing 3-4 shots a night and more on weekends. I started missing classes, first one then more. Then i got another call, they didn't know what was killing him but they were able to determine that the needed a triple bypass. My grandfather is almost 70 years old, and because of the unknown illness they didn't think he would make it. I needed to come home now. I messaged all my teachers and took my midterms early and caught a midnight flight out. I cried all night, we slept in the lobby on the floor, not daring to leave out of fear that we might miss our chance to say goodbye. My entire family flew down, fearing the worse. My grandfather defied the odds and lived.

 Now all they had to do was find out what was killing him. I returned to school but i couldn't focus, the calls from home were getting worse, something was wrong with my grandma too now. Then my grandfather passed out and  collapsed in the parking lot, and onto my grandma. She had bruised ribs and my grandfather felt awful about it. He had been low on blood. He was getting blood transfusions all the time, like every other day, several pints. I couldn't bear the thought of losing them both. My drinking continued, and my relationship with my boyfriend was getting more rocky by the day. I had been drinking and ended up with my friend raping me.

 And i coped with all this by, you guessed it, drinking. I couldn't function without at least one drink to take the edge off, to make me worry Little less. As the semester came to an end, they finally figured out what was wrong, Cancer. My grandfather has terminal leukemia. My grandmother turned out to be far luckier, hers was a vitamin deficiency, her body was nearly depleted of vitamin b12. My grandfather started chemo to reduce and control the leukemia, while my grandma started taking shots of b12. By the start of summer classes my grandparents were doing much better and i could focus on school again.

 I was put on academic probation, and told i'd be kicked out if i didnt' do better in summer classes. I made the mistake of taking too many summer classes, not realizing how fast paced they were. I tried and did make good grades, but one class i didn't make a good grade. My boyfriend broke up with me at this point and the school called, the one class i had passed with a low grade was enough to send me home. I was not allowed to come back for two years.  I felt like a failure, I had started out with a full scholarship and everything a head of me and no i had no idea what i was going to do. Worse i was worried i was an alcoholic. I was still taking a night cap every single night and i couldn't do that at my grandparents. I turned out not to be the case. I never missed the alcohol, but when things get bad, i still try to reach for that bottle to take the edge off. I know better now and i maybe have drink 4-5 times a year now.

Toys, BDSM and Sex. (PAST)

After a difficult summer semester my boyfriend broke it off with me. It seemed he cared very little about me after all. It took a little time but i got over it. College was stressful and i am a nympho. I really needed his cock. He was an ass, but he was clean, healthy and single. So it was harmless as long i remember he didn't give a damn about me. It was here that he started getting really kinky. Apparently getting kinky with your girlfriend isn't OK but its fine with a fuck buddy.Damned if ill never understand his logic
Id get horny and i shoot him an instant message. Telling him how turned on i was, what i hoped he do to me and how well id make him cum. and  pretty much every time he'd tell me to come on up. If he was feeling kinky he'd add some additional details, like come naked under your coat. OR insert your butt plug first, if its not inside you when you get here, i won't open the door.  OR put your vibrator in, and walk down here, hold it inside you, if it falls out, you wont get any. OR something along those lines. I loved it. I loved the dirty feeling it gave me. Passing people in the halls, feeling the plug move inside me with every movement and no one knew but me. I especially enjoyed it because it made me feel tighter to him and i love very much to please my partner.  :)

We'd watch porn together and he'd fuck me as we watched, telling me how he was going to do THAT to me some day. Or on one occasion, i don't remember why but he tied me naked across his desk is that i could see the door to his door. He taunted me, saying that i was such a good slut for him that he was going to leave me there for his roommates to enjoy. He grabbed my hair and pulled it taunt, I could feel my scalp burn, but it just made me hotter. Then suddenly, i felt heat bloom across my left ass check and then the right. I couldn't move, the rope held tight,  all i could do was groan and beg for more, begging for his cock.  My favorite was when he saw fit to cum inside me, feeling his cock pumping his baby juice inside me was the most amazing feeling. I always came hard when he did that, my pussy clinging tight to his cock, making sure i felt every pulse.

The very last time i saw him he was naked on his bed and his cock was in my mouth. I was going to deep throat his cock, or die trying. It was that simple. I was somewhat successful in my endeavor. He enjoyed seeing me choke on his cock and rewarded me with a final taste of his cum. However, it came with a price. I apparently didn't know how to do it properly because i ended up with a quarter sized bruise in the back of my throat. Explaining that to my grandma was FUNNNN.

Walking through MSU campus (PAST)

I love going for walks, especially when I'm angry. My boyfriend picked up on this fact pretty quickly and we made it a regular thing to go for walks, to relax and to talk. Sometimes though, they were far more entertaining. One evening we were walking by the river that runs through campus and my boyfriend would raise my shirt and flash people as we walked by. It was so humiliating, but i loved it. I loved being his toy that he could show off if he wanted to. I was getting turned on by him repeatedly flashing people and playing with nipples, i told him that i wanted to suck him off. He smiled and pulled me under the bridge, down by the water. Laying down on the cool concrete he waved his hand over his lower body and asked me what i was waiting for. I eagerly unzipped his pants and gently pulled his cock out, already half way hard. I couldn't wait to taste him, looking around to make sure no one else was around i started licking his cock, working my tongue over it and gently sucking. Out of the corner of my eye i could see people walking by sometimes, but they never seemed to notice us, or if they did they didnt care. I had him fully hard now and he was using my hair to force me to take him deeper, faster. I gagged on his cock as I tried to swallow him more fully. As the security came by with a flash light he unloaded into my mouth. Swallowing my prize, we left just as the guy looked under the bridge were we had been, looking at each other we laughed and headed inside.

There also was this trail that ran being some dorms, i don't know what it was really called but the students referred to it as the "rape trail" cause it wasn't well lit and on the other side was a bunch of woods. Apparently more than one rape had happened here. (It never bothered me because there was almost always a bunch of people walking on it. I used to go on by myself at night when i got bored or pissed off. (though id did see one couple totally naked fucking on the ground by the trail once)
One night my boyfriend comes up to my dorm ( i think it was right before midterms) and practically dragged me out of my dorm, telling me that we were going for walk. That was fine by me, but where are we going? His answers were short and curt, giving me the impression that he was mad at me. After walking for a bit we walked into an opening in the fence and followed a trail into the darkened woods. We were only about 15-20ft back. I could still hear and see people on the lit trail, when he suddenly grabbed my neck and told me to bend over and grab the log that was in front of me. I could feel both excitement and fear as i felt him undoing my pants, i worried that if i could see them than they could see us. I felt my pants sink around my ankles, almost making it feel like i was bound in front of him.
He wasted no time in getting his cock out and rubbing against my ass. Telling me that he didn't care if they could see us or not. I think he might have even said that they could watch if they wanted. I could hear the sounds of the forest at night,  the chatter of people talking as they walked by and the sound of him rolling on a condom. He slid easily inside my pussy as all the excitement and fear of getting caught had made me quite wet. He pumped into me about three times before i felt him pull out and push against my asshole. I instantly forced my muscles to relax and allow him entry. (Not doing so made it hurt way more than it needed to.) I could feel every inch of his cock sliding into me, pain and pleasure mixing within my body. His hand fisted in my hair, and used it to pull me on to him, while his free hand worked my clit. My breath coming quickly i tried to be quiet so that no one would hear us and come looking for us. Praying that the dark woods, hid the fact that he was busily raping my ass for all to see if they but cared to look.It seemed equally too fast and yet like hours when I could feel his cock pulse as he came, the condom catching his load. After a moment to calm himself he slowly pulled out of my ass and tossed the condom on the ground. Once we were clothed again, we slipped out onto the trail and went back to the dorms. I guess he needed a study break ;)

Cuffs n Brit (PAST)

During the same period of time as Walks In the Park (PAST) and Toys, BDSM, And Sex (PAST) I also met a couple off the website CM. Their names where Cuffs and Brit. Cuffs was the dom and to be honest i wasn't all that interested in him, but Brit? I fell in lust with Brit the minute I laid eyes on her. (Notice i said lust, not love) They picked me up from the college and took me chili's. It was just awkward at first but i got over it. As i looked across the table at her, my only thought was i that i wanted to go home and throw her in MY bed and have my wicked wicked way with her. I had never felt that way towards a girl before. We had a good time and made plans for me to spend a weekend with them. We didn't do alot of kinky thinks like you think. Mostly we just talked, he showed me his toys. Some of which scared me, ( google: vampire glove) and others that interested me. I think what i enjoyed most was watching britt wander around the place naked, her DD's swaying slightly and her curved, round ass begging to be smacked. I never got to see them again after that but it made me curious about a poly experience.

Monday, January 16, 2012

To the Readers (present)

Almost 4000 people have view my blog and i thank you for it. I know some people are using this blog to get off but hopefully some of you out there feel less alone. Thats why this blog isn't private, because i like to think that of that 4000 people, maybe i helped one person to know that someone else went through the same thing. Maybe to you my journey to where i am, sounds twisted or wrong to you, but i bet you didn't go through what i have. To those of you who take the time to read this blog, and to read inbetween the lines... THANK YOU.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Walks in the Park (Past)

Eventually my boyfriend and i broke up for good, and i threw myself into finding a new boyfriend  I wanted this one to be a Dom. Someone who could lead me instead of blindly trying to lead myself. I talked to guys all over the state of Mighigan with the same taste as myself. Some as far away as ohio. Id talk to them, get their yahoo handle and then message them, set up a time and place for a meet and greet. I was a freshman and i lived in the dorms, we weren't allowed to have cars, so they had to pick me up. I also made it very clear that this was just a meet and greet, no one was getting lucky.
I mean sure the storys you read, said the slave walks up to her perspective master, strips off her clothes and begs him to use her. (what red blooded male wouldnt?) He tells her that he enjoyed himself and that she is his property for the rest of her life. Fade to black....

Sounds good, too bad for the guys i actually have a brain and knew that wouldnt work. All and all it was extremely fustrating, alot of the guys were looking for a quick lay and when they found out that wasnt gonna happen, they bailed on me. Or  they were actually submissive guys who said they where dom so that women would actually talk to them. I made friends with one named Matt. He was cute and sweet but way too nice. He seemed willing to do anything i asked him, and i had to do was flirt alittle, and it was great! And then it wasn't great, it made me feel like a mean ol' bitch, because honestly i had no intention of sleeping with him, and he knew it. I don't know if he just liked to suffer or if he thought maybe id change my mind...

Some of the guys where too old, but i was nice to them while i was with them and once safely home i made my poliete excuses and continued searching. I turned up a few diamonds in the rough, who were promising. G. and Patrick, though each had their own problems. Patrick lived quite aways away, and was a total player from what he told me, which was so not what i was looking for. But he was hott, so i gave him a shot. And G, well G lived close but he was engaged. And i don't play like that....Or well not much anyways. I guess it was a bit of a thrill knowing that he had a lady at home, who was hot, and he was sneaking out to see lil ol' me. I sort of justified by never actually having sex with him, that just goofing off was ok but full on sex with a married guy was just wrong. (yes, my morals are all fucked up. Have you read the the previous entries?!?)

Patrick came out one night to see me, I told him not to come, that i was busy. ( i wasn't. I just didn't know what to do with this guy. I wasn't a slut and fucking seemed to be the only thing on his mind.) But he texted me saying he was already here. He had come such a long way, i felt obligated to go down and at least see the guy. He was every bit as cute as he had been on webcam, and every bit as demanding. I got in the car and he drove around our building until he found a quiet parking lot. We talked for a minute and then suddenly he was kissing me. His hands where fucking everywhere. It felt so could. I could hear myself screaming in the back of my mind that this wasn't me, i didn't get this friendly upon meeting someone. In reality i was moaning as he nibbled his way down my neck, moving his hand over his cock through his jeans. The seatbelt i was wearing made a clicking noise as it released, his hands shoved me down into his lap. His cock was millimeters away from my lips. (when had he undid his pants? Or did i do it?) I can hear my voice in the back of my head wailing that he's a player and at high risk for stds. I shouldn't be doing this... This thought plays in my mind like a record on repeat as i suck his cock like a good little slut. His hands have found their way into my panties and now caress my pussy. I think he was calling me names. I liked it. I could tell he was going to cum soon. The voice in my head was going frantic, finally the words escape my lips, "Are you clean?" I think i also said something about what would happen if he wasn't. I'm not sure, my head was buzzing too much to think straight. He got mad. Either about the question or the threat, not sure which. He pushed me away and zipped up his pants and took me back to my dorm. I was abit dazed from the whole thing. It had happened so fast!

With G it was different. He knew about my fetishes but didn't share them. He was curious though and I was bored. I thought," Why not? As long as I don't fuck him, no real harm done right?" He picked me up at the usual spot, i rarely let these guys know what dorm i was in.  (it was probably the only safety precaution i took. i mean i was getting in cars with complete strangers, no back up and no one knew where i was going.)  Once in the car with him it was kind of comical, and kinda of scary. He kept looking over at me telling me that hes not kidnapping me, hes not kidnapping me. And that made me weary that he was! Worse, my phone had pocket dialed my aunt, a PI who works with law enforement. And all she could hear was this guy, slightly panicked, telling me over and over that he wasn't kidnapping me and me telling him it was ok. I understood. She actually called me on a different line, while keeping the other one active, and asked if i was alright. I think she asked me for my moms middle name as a password to make sure i really was ok.

After that fiasco i didn't think this meeting was going to go anywhere. It looked like a total flop. We pulled in at some bar and he went past it. Just behind it was a trail that led up to a offical walking path through the woods, at night, there where no people and no lights. It was perfect for what i wanted to do. I was wearing my collar and had the leash in my pocket. (we'd both liked the idea of him publicly walking me and had set up online.) He attatched the leash to collar with breathless anticipation. He asked me put my hands behind my back and pre end they were tied. On that note, he asked me if i had some cuffs. I told him i did and that id bring them next time. (honestly wasn't sure if i was going to see this guy again) He led the way into the underbrush, the moonlight was just enough to see where we were going. The constant tug on my collar was delicious. He pulled me to him and hugged me tight. His hands squeezing my ass checks and pressing me to him harder. I could feel his cock getting harder through his jeans. The thrill of knowing he was hot for me, and the idea of getting caught like this: collar around my neck, leash in his hands.. sent chills down my spine, straight into my little pussy. I was so wet. He kissed me, hard and demanding. Telling me with his body exactly what he wanted from me. But this was my little game, and i was in charge.

I broke the kiss and asked him to walk me some more. walked me around and then we returned to the car. I put the leash in my hoodie pouch and told him i didn't want to leave yet. Instead we walked along the high way. Under and overpass, we stopped and looked at the water flowing down below us. He came up behind me and pressed hard against my ass. Once again the bulge in his pants was obvious and i loved the feeling of it. He started working his hand down my pants, I went to stop him but he was too strong, and his fingers found my naked pussy. He groaned in my ear what naughty girl i was for coming out with no panties. He worked my clit with his fingers, as he ground his cock against me, I could totally feel it against the seat of my pants. After a minute i realized he had take his cock out and pressed it bare against my jeans. It made me so hot. He kept telling me how much he wanted me, and how wet my dirty little snatch was getting as he worked his fingers against my clit and pressed his fingers inside my fuck hole. Cars on the freeway where whizzing by, each car created a gust of wind. Could the cars see us? Did he think he was going to fuck me right here? Could i stop him? More importantly Did i want to?

He slowly decided that here was not the time or place, and held me close to him as he calmed down enough to tuck his cock inside his jeans again. We walked back to car and he begged me not to tell his girlfriend (whom i didn't know anyways)  I promised i wouldn't.

We went for walks like that several times. I enjoyed them very much. One walk in particular, when we where walking along the freeway when it was brighter out, i noticed a path down to the water. Where none of the passing cars could see. We hid down there and once again he pressed against me, his cock eager for some attention. His hands teasing my tits, while the other slid down my jeans and played with my pussy. He started unbuttoning my jeans, i told him no, he pleaded to just look at me, he promised not to fuck me. I agreed. My pants fell lose around my ankles, his fingers stroked my ass, pushing deeply into my pussy. He put his hand on my shoulder and bent me over. He promised again that he wouldn't fuck me and i relaxed. I could feel him rubbing his cock all over ass, sliding it up and down the crack of my ass, following it down to my pussy. Each time getting closer to my pussy. It felt so good. I wondered what we looked like to anyone who might pass by? 

I got wetter at the thought. I decided if he pushed against my pussy, id push back and let him fuck me. Cause damn it, he felt so good. I was surprised when he kept his word and put his throbbing cock back in his pants. He asked if i would at least blow him, but i said no. (fucking was ok but blowing him was out of the question??? even i don't know what i was thinking)

Not too long after this, things changed forever.

First Time in a Threesome? (PAST)

One day i looked up and called my sister from bbbs. I called her up and told her i was lonely and asked if she could visit, she said sure and she would bring her new little sis with her. I told her that would be really cool and we set a date for her to come down and see me.

As usual my boyfriend was attached at the hip to me. We went out to eat and had alot of fun. Later we somehow conviced my big sister to spend the night.Once my sister went to bed, we (being her myself and my bf) stayed up and broke out the alochol. I made us all a mixed drink, but knowing my boyfriend had been flirting with her and she with him, I made hers extra strong. Pretty soon we all had a good buzz and she asked me if she could kiss him (or something along those lines) and i was like, yeah. Go ahead its cool.

Pretty soon she had her top off and was making out with him. He had one hand on her tits and the other between my thighs. Soon she tried to give him a hand job. I had to choke back laughter. It looked like she was trying to pull his cock off! That or she thought it was made of rubber. He actually had to stop her, and tried to show her how to do it. She got better, a little. She pulled her skirt up and let him finger her pussy. I was jealous about that. I loved his hands. So long and strong, oh gosh did they feel good when they were inside you.

She tried to give him a blow job, but evidently that hurt him cause he stopped her real quick and was like,"Babe, please show her how its done?" I agreed. I got off the couch and kneeled between his thighs.... his cock was covered in her saliva... eww. I hesitated. then thought, aww hell. Why not?
I took his cock into my mouth and proudly showed off my skills. Eagerly showing how much of his 8in cock i could swallow. (Which was all of it when i wanted to.) All the while working his balls, kneading them then gently taking them in my mouth

 I could hear him, telling her to join me, and soon she did. Together we licked his shaft up and down, from tip to base. Sometimes our tongues would touch as we did so. Taking turns sliding his cock in our mouths, while the other licked down low. I felt his fingers fist in my hair and pull me off his cock, pushing me towards her as he pushed her to me. "Kiss". We looked at each other for a moment frozen, then slowly i kissed her mouth with little butterfly kisses, her mouth opened and our tongues dueled. Her mouth was warm and sweet, but hesitant. i could hear him groan as he watched. I kicked it up a notch as i grabbed her breast and teased the nipple with my fingers. When his hands let go of us, we broke the kiss and began working his cock with renewed fever. She had him in her mouth when he said he was going to cum. She immediately let go, and i eagerly stepped forward to reap my reward. I loved feeling his cock pulse and twitch as he came, shooting his hot load into my mouth. I swallowed every drop.

After he came, she started playing with his cock again, telling him how much she wanted to him to fuck her. He told her that he didn't have a condom. I did. And in a whisper i told him so. He shook his head, no. I was glad. This was all new to me and i wasn't sure how i would react to his cock being inside her. He continued to use his fingers to penetrate her deeper, and work her harder. She finally came on his fingers....As sun rose higher in the sky, and we got ready to leave, i wondered to myself, did that count as a threesome?

Monday, August 8, 2011

Chat with me

Friday, July 1, 2011

Love and Jobs, they both fucking suck. (PRESENT)

I'm literally hiding in my bathroom at the moment. I didn't know what to do, I'm fighting back tears. I'm tired of living here and dealing with him. He's my best friend, but he stopped being anything else a long time ago. He's horrible on my self-esteem. I'm literally not allowed to touch him sexually, at all. He gets mad if i even try. He's always on other dating sites (like the ENTIRE 3 years we've been together) and/or jacking off at the fucking computer. Sometimes, i wonder, am i really that bad? That he prefers his hand to having my mouth or pussy around his cock? Really? He says we'll have sex again if ill wear this corset to make it bearable. No that's not what he said, but that's what he means. And all i could think tonight was that i wasn't going to wear the corset for him, because i don't want him touching me. I feel so ugly around him. :(

I admit, I'm kinda scattered sometimes. But he is wrong when he said I'm stupid. I'M NOT. I don't care if he was kidding, or what. It still HURT. I don't care if he as a fucking college degree and i don't. The only reason i don't have one is because i don't have the money to go back to school. I love learning, and trying new things. I have been put down too many times in my life and i so fucking tired of it. I want to move out and get a place of my own. I'm scared to be alone, scared ill never see one of my best friends again, but either way has got to be better than having a constant reminder that i am not good enough. Because i am so much better than what he deserves. I just hope i can get a job soon so i can get on with my life.

That said, I don't want no dead end job, that i can't stand. I only got into telecommunications because it paid better than flipping burgers. Now its 5 yrs later and i just wanna go back to flipping burgers. I know it sounds crazy but i really like working with food, it makes me happy and its such a simple way to make so many other happy. Its the one thing that binds us all together, because no matter who you are or what you think or believe, you gotta eat. (i think i stole that from some food network show, but i totally agree with it) Or i want to write, and see if I'm actually any good at it, I'll never know until i try. Right? Maybe i only sell a few copies, that would still mean the world to me. To create something, and have someone else find joy in it, that i what i truly want to do.\

And in this rant of things that suck, i want to put in at least one thing that doesn't suck. I want to give a big THANK YOU to Mr. Party. Thank you for being the cutest guy who's ever looked at me. Thank you for reminding me that i am worth something after all. For making me feel special again. Thank you for waking up kitten, who was so bored, i think she was comatose. Thank you for making me finally wake up and realize that he isn't good for me, and that there are better people than him. (like you.) I only hope i can find someone as fun and accepting as you someday. I hope that someday comes soon, but if not ill wait.  And a final Thank You, for simply being my friend. Lord knows i have precious few of those. HUGS.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Date rape? (Past)

 I had been seeing Jay for a several months now. He would always bring lots of drinks, id asked him to, but i was underage. He was 22 or 23 at the time, i was 18. We were just suppose to be hanging out as friends, but i figured a drink or two couldn't hurt. Jay was drinking beer and i was drinking jack Daniel's He had an idea, we would pour an amount of what we were drinking into a glass and drink it. We'd drink one of these every time the other scored in Mario kart. (He was a gamer and could stomp me sober, let alone when I'm already tipsy.) After about two or three glasses of Jack Daniel's i was drunker than i had ever been in my life. When i couldn't really play the game anymore he suggested we go downstairs.

Now I've mentioned that id had sex with this guy before,but only if i was broken up with my boyfriend, which right now i was currently dating. I had already told Jay that having sex was out of the question. His bedroom is down in the basement, and there was really no point in going down there unless he wanted to fuck. I told him no, and that i wanted to go back to my dorm now. I hadn't planned on getting drunk, we were just suppose to be hanging out. He finally said he take me back to my dorm and grabbed his keys. Just as he was about to walk out the door, he stopped and turned and looked at me. He told me he had something he wanted to show me, downstairs. (I bet) It would just take a minute. I just wanted to go home so i agreed. He helped me down the stairs, slowly, making sure i didn't fall.

Soon we got down to his room and he pushed me onto the bed. The room spun dizzily. When it stopped spinning i realized he had taken my shirt and bra off and was quickly working on getting my pants off. He pushed my hands out of the way when i clumsily tried to stop him from getting my pants off. I think he gave up on getting them off right then and went for getting my hands out of the way. Grabbing my wrist he pulled a white rope that was tied to the bed and preknotted to tighten as you pull on it. With one hand done he quickly tied off the other hand.

I was so drunk, the room was still spinning now and then. I pleaded with him to untie me and let me go. He was on top of me now, sucking my nipples as he unbuttoned my jeans. I closed my legs and tried to make it harder for them to take them off, but it didn't make any difference. Soon i totally nude, eagle spread on his bed with my arms and legs tied to the bed, the more i struggled against my bonds, the tighter the rope got. Satisfied i wasn't going anywhere, he got off and removed his clothes, except for his boxers. He approached the bed, running his fingers over my body, and suddenly said he needed to get something from upstairs and dashed up the stairs.

I could hear him rummaging though stuff upstairs, in his room it was quiet and cold. The ac was blowing cold air on me and my nipples where rock hard. My brain wouldn't function right, I couldn't believe he was taking something i loved (bondage) and turning it into a nightmare. I hadn't given him permission to do this to me, i hadn't submitted to him, I DIDN'T WANT THIS. I tried to push against the fog in my head and figure out the ropes, i knew this knot. If i could give it slack and then push it down it should open up and i could slide my hand out. No easy task when your eagle spread. I had enough give in the ropes to use the edge of the bed to push on the knot, and Voila. My wrist was free! I quickly loosened and step out of the other three bonds. I could hear him coming back down the stairs, i looked around and grabbed my shirt and put it back on.

He stopped in the doorway and stared. He demanded to know how i got loose, no one had ever done that before. I told i was just talented and i didn't want to fuck. I demanded to be taken home now and i wanted my pants back. Jay sighed and said OK, but could we just cuddle first? No sex, just cuddle. I was still very drunk, i just wanted to go home and lay down and sleep. He was my friend, i believed him. I agreed and laid down on his bed. He came and cuddled next to me, half on top of me. I was on the verge of passing out. Almost distantly, i felt his fingers slide inside the folds of my pussy. He told me i was a slut, and how wet my pussy was. Laying on top of me he tried to kiss me and i tried to push him away.  He kicked off his boxers and his cock pressed  against me, i tried to stop him by putting my hand in the way, but he simply grabbed my hands and held them above my head.

My head was pounding, and i was so close to passing out, i was fighting to stay awake. I couldn't get free from his grasp so closed my legs. Hoping that would keep his cock out of my body. It didn't. He pushed hard and his cock slid in, he said i was only making myself tighter for him. I begged him over and over to stop, that i didn't want to, he ignored me. Finally i just gave up and waited for it to be over with. I wasn't on the pill,  i wondered if he would pull out, or if he would cum inside me. I wondered if my boyfriend would stay if i got pregnant with someone else's child. I wondered if this counted as cheating.

When he was done with me, he moved off of me and i curled up in a ball on his bed and tried very hard not to cry. After a minute he urged me to get up, he helped me get dressed and he took me upstairs and put me to bed in one of his rooms. I was scared, but i wasn't going to make any trouble, everything was fine. I thought he was my friend, but now i was scared he would hurt me. I worried he might come back, but eventually i passed out cold.

In the morning, he was really super nice to me. He made me breakfast, and i plastered a smile on my face. Forced the tears back and made myself eat something,disspite my pounding head, to show him it was OK. I asked him he would take me home now. I remember praying he would say yes. He asked me if i was OK with everything last night, and if i had fun. I smiled and I lied, saying everything was fine. We were both drunk right?

After arriving back at my dorm, i cried. To me it felt  like i had been disloyal to my beloved. I thought about going to the police, but i was underage. I wasn't suppose to be drinking and now that i was sobering up i realized he had gone upstairs for a condom, so there was no evidence. Worse my family would find out, they might even force me to come home. I pretended it never happened. I spoke to Jay online a few times, but i never saw him in person again. After that night i made some rules for myself, to make sure this never happened again.

1) Never be alone with a guy who i know wants me sexually
2) Never have more than two drinks unless I'm at home
3) Never go to a hotel. (this just seemed like common sense)

First Time (PAST)

So from my last post you would think i should be receiving a huge shipment from extreme restraints right? Well that's exactly why i DIDN'T complete the order, along with that, my credit card statement was still going to my nosey grandparents house. I still wanted to get the toys soo badly, i begged a friend, who ill call Jay, to take me to thelocal adult toyshop. I've hadsex (drunkenly) with him before, but i was back with my on again, off again boyfriend. He agreed to take me but i had to show him everything i bought. (sweetness)

Jay took me to a strip club called Deja vu (ironic right?) Inside was an adult toy shop and it was a wonderland. they had fucking everything. I was in there just looking for a good hour. Finally i made my choices and he took me home. I was so excited i put almost everything on it the car, much to his amusement. He told me to bring them over the next time i was single.

A few days later, i got the courage up to ask my boyfriend if he would use my toys on me. At first he was worried about crossing a line, but i promised there was no line to cross, i was his to do with however he wanted. He reluctantly agreed. (Kind of like someone on a diet would agree to eating a piece of cake.) He wanted to, he was just raised that what i wanted was wrong.

I took off my clothes for him and let him put the leather wrist cuffs on me. Making sure each one wasn't too night or hurting me. He then took rope and tied it to the bed, effectively tying me eagle spread to the bed. He slidthe blindfold downover my eyes and kissed my forehead. It was dark now, i could hear him, sometimes feel the bed shift with his weight, but i could not longer see him. My breathing sped up and i heard"open your mouth slut," boom from somewhere above me. His voice seemed to be coming from everywhere at once.
I felt something cool and smooth press against my mouth, i recognized it as the ball gag. I lifted my head so he could lock it in place. With the darkness surrounding me, i thought to myself: this is what i was like to be helpless. He could do anything he wanted right now and i couldn't do anything. I can't move, or see or even scream.

I could feel my heart starting to pound, not with fear but excitement. This is what i had been waiting for,in bondage i was free just to be and simply feel. Nothing that happened i had control over i am innocent of whatever happens from here. He ran is fingers over my body, jumping here and there. I tried to predict where his hands would go next. I heard a slight jingle, but i wasn't a bell. I didn't know what it was. His mouth suddenly covered my nipple, he sucked and nipped my nipple as he bathed it with his tongue. I moaned against the gag, as he repeated on the other side. Both nipples were hard and eager for of his attention, should he be willing to give it. His fingers traced my wet slit and delved inside, circling, teasing, focusing all of my attention on the apex between my thighs. I squealed into the gag went suddenly cold steel bit into my tender nipple, first one, then the other.

The initial pain was a shock but over so. He flicked each clamp in turn, making delicious bolts of pleasure/pain run from my nipples to my belly. I ground my hips against his hand, silently pleading for him to fuck me. I wanted his cock, and i wanted it hard and deep.

Either he was just as turned on as i was or he took pity on me, because i felt his body shift and cover my own, his cock demanding entrance and being gratefully received and welcomed. His first trusts into shallow and easy, like he was teasing me. I could feel his hands sliding down my legs, and gently tucking at the ropes, releasing my ankles. He maneuvered my legs so that where over his shoulders, and began to pound his pussy. It wasn't my pussy anymore, it was his. I was his, and that's how i always wanted it to be. His hand found my hair and pulled, forcing me arch under him. Driving his cock deeper inside me, as his teeth bit into my shoulder, pain spiralled through me and the pleasure spiked. I felt his cum land on my belly and tits, hot and sticky.

The ball gag was removed, and his finger ran up my body, gathering his cum. I could hear his panting in my ear as he told me to open my mouth once again. His voice brought shivers over my body, i opened my mouth and suckled his fingers. Using my tongue to remove his cream, savoring the tangy flavor. I heard him tell me i was a good girl and i felt such fierce pride. He hopped down to take a shower, making me wait for him to finish before untying me. I didn't mind. With the blindfold on, i could hear him as if i was there. I was familiar with how he took his shower. It gave me time to think. I knew id made a good choice when i bought these, more over i knew for certain this was the kind of life i wanted to live. 

The bed creaked as he rolled into bed, still damp from his shower. there wrist cuffs were removed, and he rubbed them, taking away all the soreness and discomfort, the clamps followed, quickly replaced by his mouth, the pain forgotten. The blindfold was the last thing removed, and i could see his handsome face again, as we lay in bed and made love before drifting off to sleep together.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Learning Curve

At the end of high school i applied at every college i could think of north of the mason-dixon line. I got accepted into MSU. Free ride. (which i fucked up but thats a different story.) I packed up and got ready for freshman orientation, check list in hand.
  1. Make out
  2. Suck Cock
  3. Lose my "Virginity"
  4. Get boyfriend
  5. Attend party 
  6. Achieve 1-6 in any order as quickly as possible.
  7. Graduate from college
I am really shy when i don't know people and can be socially odd sometimes. Though i try really hard not to, i was listening to the speakers talk and looking at all the guys and drooling. Wondering how i was going to get their attention. I didn't even have a date, let alone a boyfriend in high school, so i wasn't really sure how to go about this. I started randomly talking to this guy as we waited for the bus that was taking us on a tour. Didn't take long before we went everywhere together, he even held my hand. Such an innocent act thrilled me, but kitten (and me) both wanted more. At some point i took him upstairs to my room, and told him id never had a guy in my room before, and that i was a virgin. (how we got on that subject, i have no idea) He looked shocked, but interested. After dinner we hid under a stairwell and made out. I still remember his tongue sliding against mine, and praying i was a good kisser. He pulled me against him and i could feel the hardness of his cock against me.

I remember feeling my heart pounding, my head felt light, and i was so wet for him. And the overwhelming feeling of power. His cock was hard for ME. I did that, and i wanted to do it again and again. I wanted to please him. Sadly we got caught going back to my room, and they separated us. But, i got his number. After orientation, i never expected to hear from him again.
so i was shocked when he called me, i spent my summer nights in the barn, talking to him on the phone. I wanted him to want me. We had phone sex several times, and again every time i heard him cum, i felt so powerful, wanted, needed, and  i loved it.

When Fall semester finally started, we found out we where in the same dorm. I was ecstatic. It wasn't three days into the first week before i was naked and moaning under him. His fingers inside me, oh god, i loved that mans hands.... I couldn't wait to taste him, taking him into my mouth was wonderful. I loved it and i really wanted him to cum in my mouth. It took me about 7days to get the courage up to actually let him fuck me, and i wont lie, it sucked. And it hurt. I hadn't had sex in years, and he wasn't exactly patient. I didn't cum, but i made damn sure he did. After that first night we had sex as often as we could, and yes, it got better.

About a month, maybe two months in my boyfriend asked me to get tighter jeans, he wanted something that showed off my ass better. I complied with his wishes, and his hands where always on my ass. He loved my butt. One night he was straddling me, with me on my stomach, teasing me with his cock. I wanted him inside my cunt. He was dipping the tip of his cock inside me and then he pulled out and pressed against my asshole. Id never had anything in my ass before, and i didn't know how to take it, it really fucking hurt. I begged him to stop and tried to pull away from him. He pulled me back down and slapped my ass hard and told me to "shut up and take it." He eased his cock deeper into my ass and i thought he was going to tear my asshole open. It hurt so much, i begged him to stop. He responded by covering my mouth with his hand and telling me it would go easier on me if i just relaxed. He came in my ass and forced me to say with him in bed and to hold his cum in my ass all night long. The next day my asshole was so sore and it bled alittle bit, it took 3 days to stop hurting. He would force me to take him anally at least once almost every time i saw him for like a month. I know most people probably think he was a bastard for doing so but i kept coming back for more, even though i hated it. After about two, three weeks of taking his cock dry, or naturally wet from my juices or in the shower i learned to like it, and even crave it.

I had told him at the beginning i would do anything he wanted, try anything, that he could do whatever he wanted to me. And slowly he started testing the waters of this truth. I had no problem cleaning his cock after sex, i liked the taste of our cum mixed together. And one day after brutally fucking my ass, he grabbed my hair and forced his cock into my mouth. Asking me if i liked how my ass tasted on his cock, like a good slut i answered yes around his cock and he sneered at me. So Superior to his little bitch girlfriend. He knew how much i hated anal (at first) and one day he made me a deal, he wouldn't fuck my ass today if i would lick his ass. My ass was still so sore from the last time he had fucked me, that i agreed. I had heard of people doing thing, rimming, but id never done it before. Licking his asshole and forcing my tongue inside him, when he told me to was so humiliating. But god help me, it made me so wet.

During this same time, i was trolling yahoo bdsm chat, like i had been for years and one guy pointed me to a site called Collarme. Once i got there, i talked to people who had been doing this for years, and they linked me to information sites. I had always found the idea arousing, and there was a link on CM to an adult toy site: I browsed here and looked at all the neat toys they had. Kitten desperately wanted to buy some and try it, but i didn't my boyfriend to think i was some kind of freak. I kept my desires to myself, until one night, i was drinking jack Daniel's in my room, like 3 double shots in an hour straight up and my head was buzzing. It was so easy just to do what kitten wanted....I signed into yahoo chat and messaged my boyfriend and linked him to the site and asked him if he liked what i was looking at. It was a black butt plug in three different sizes. He said he liked it, but he wanted a bigger size for me. I still had trouble taking his cock (lube would have really helped, but for some reason it never occurred to me) taking anything as big as he wanted didn't seem humanly possible, despite the testimonials on the site. With the input from him and from the things i had always wanted,  i ended up spending $300 that night on sex toys. My boyfriend didn't know id bought them, but i couldn't wait for him to use them on me.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

girl friends and my girlfriend.(PAST)

One of the good things about moving to texas was making all my friends. Two in particular, J-Lee and Steph have been my friends forever. Or least it felt that way. I have been friends with both of them since i laid eyes on them on the first day of 10th grade. I liked steph, but i felt a bond with J-lee that i didn't seem to have with anyone else. As we got to talking, it turns out that mom has also passed away recently. As we became better friends we began talking about our past, and  she told me about how she was also sexually abused as a child. Before i knew what i was doing, i was telling her what i could remember about my own past. It made us stronger friends, that we shared so much in the past.

In high school, we dated, quietly. I never had a boyfriend in highschool, but i did have a girlfriend. J-Lee was what kitten wanted to be, and everything i was afraid to become. She was a slut, and after a while i stopped trying to keep track of her lovers, i didn't even call them boyfriends anymore, because hers didn't last long enough to call them that. I'd listen to her tell me about guys she fucked before, and how her latest guy was in bed, how big he was and how many times they fucked. Id tell her she better start using condoms more often or shed get pregnant, or catch some nasty std. She would promise to use condoms more often but she never did. 

I worried about her, but at the same time, she was my outlet. I used to imagine it was me doing all those things. The one that interested me most, was she told me a story about how one of her ex's had tied her up and fucked her, or when she has pretended he was raping her. I remember how wet they used to make me, and how often i wondered how it was to actually be tied up, to be completely helpless. It was a recurring fantasy of mine, to be taken by force, tied up and forced to take their cock over and over until they were satisfied.

I was just 16 years old and i couldn't get these thoughts out of my head. I didn't know what to do with them. I just let them simmer. Hell, i couldn't even admit to anyone at the time that i was dating J-lee. She wanted to get sexual but i wasn't ready, not with another girl. So instead we would play a game (hmm this sounds familiar, oh yes i did this with my other best friend when i was like 8) The game, was role playing. It varied week to week, sometimes i was her boss, other times her boyfriend, and yes we even did prince and the princess. (deja vu anyone?) For some reason i always ended up the guy who would take her and force her to have sex with me. We never actually had sex, we made it to third base at most.

This evolution of our relationship caused alot of problems. When we (my family) were first living in the trailer all smashed together, me and my freinds would spend the night in the barn alone. For some reason my grandmother decided she had to come up to the barn at 3am to see what we were up to. Sometimes she would catch us on top of each other or an aqkward position. Being strictly catholic, this behavior was not acceptable, my family tried to make us stop being friends. This did not go over as well as they hoped, and after a while they gave up that crusade.  Eventually, we got very good at listening for my grandmother and remembering to find a way to lock the door.

Locking the door wasn't allowed, but we would rather them find the door locked and get pissed about that. Rather than finding her grinding against me while pinched her nipples. (No kidding) J-lee left right around the time i was ready to admit that i was sexually attracted to women as well as men. I never saw her after senior year of highschool... she dropped out to have her baby. And I had to go college somewhere far away.

The Flipside of New Arrangements (PAST)

That place was hell, the only good thing about it was the ranch is fucking huge. As a result of this, sneaking out of house was rather easy, to make it less noticable, i typically went out for a walk nightly. I didn't need a flash light, as in texas, in the country, the moon and the stars are the only lights you'll ever need. I would wander around outside listening to my ipod and trying to keep my sanity. Hating the way we lived and how i wanted to out of there so badly. I even went so far as to offer myself on a website if someone, anyone would fucking come and get me.
The only reason i stayed sane at all was because of my friends. I made friends with all the "rejects" and "freaks" and what do you know? i fit in pretty well. Everyone around me was either gay, lesbian, bisexual, or into drugs or alochol or had issues at home. I really didn't mind at all, I, the girl would everyone called a squarebear. (a prude) was giving my friends advice on sex. I personally thought it was funny.
I started sneaking the neighbors over and we'd hide in the barn and drink tequila all night and gossip and id forget, for a while.  I still remember sneaking over to their house to drink vodka and wine, how i was scared their dad was gonna wake up and shoot me, thinking i was a burglar, or that i was gonna step on a snake and die. Neither one happened, but i can't say i ever forgot those heartpounding walks over, praying i didn't get caught.
Sometimes i did, and id swear i was out walking. I was a freaking angel, what else would i be doing right?
I suppose i could have been out fucking, like everyone else, but as much as i wanted to, i never seemed to get the chance.
My families saving grace was they wanted me to have friends, so when halloween rolled around, i threw a huge party. With the works, we had a bonfire, a very short haunted trail and blasting music. We have 20acres, and you could hear the music from one end to the other. my friends brought weed and drinks. I never did drugs but i certainly helped drink the beer. We had several other parties but none as successful as the halloween party. i still have the pics from it and they still make me smile.
My friends kept me sane and never dissed me for not having a fuctioning bathroom, or not my own room to sleep in, or for not having a normal family, they stayed by my side through it all and thank every one of them for it, because without them, im not even sure id be alive today.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Hollow (PRESENT)

Current arrangements in life and living both suck. Im tired of sleeping on the cold floor and being afraid to take a shower. I miss my cat and my home very much. Im sad, lonely and rather depressed. The holidays looming over me doesnt make it any easier.
Normally i love the hoildays, but this year it just makes want to cry. Im doing my best to pretend they dont exisit, but its difficult to avoid. Everyone tells me to go home for the holidays, but honestly i cant stand my family for more than a few hours. It isnt even worth the drive out there.
My exbf says he loves me, and wants to be with me but hes just not sure....what a crock. He is making plans to go home for thanksgiving but if denied he wants to spend it with me, asked me to wait til he knew for sure. The sad part? Im waiting. I know i shouldnt but i guess im that kind of idiot. Im his plan b, so he isnt alone. Not good enough to be his girlfriend but better than being alone. Apparently out of 0 to 10 i rate a 1.
I feel so special. :(
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Thursday, October 21, 2010

Heartbreak (PRESENT)

This isn't what I wanted. I wanted to tell all of you about my current boyfriend when the blog caught up to that point... To tell the whole wide world that is the Internet (or at least those who read my blog) how special he is to both of us. I wanted to say how safe and cared for he made me feel, how funny and charming he is, how bright and intelligent he is.... for me a prince charming, someone outwardly normal,  and for kitten he was her "dark knight," a dark promise, or  an idea of what she had always wanted, even if i wouldn't acknowledge what she wanted; someone who maybe could make us whole.

Unfortunately this is not what i get to say today, today he is the biggest jerk that ever lived, who broke my heart and stole my dreams. I gave him my best, i showed him parts of me that no one knows, and tried desperately to show him the secret part of my heart. He didn't pay attention, he was too busy loving someone else. I've lost the best thing Ive ever had, and it kills me inside. Ive cried until i have no more tears, Ive screamed and begged and pleaded for what i love most. Now its time to pick up the pieces and move on. Perhaps this time i will find someone who truly wants to own me, and make me theirs. One can only hope.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010


I have often wondered how much of dreams are based on truth. I had a dream the other night and i really didn't know what to do with it. It was a blending of past and present, nightmares and dreams. I was laying on a bed with my legs wrapped around my step father, him pumping furiously within my tight cunt. His lips on my breast, sucking hard on my nipple, causing me exquisite pleasure. As he filled me with his hot cum, he whispered that i was daddy's little girl. I became aware that i am pregnant now. My deepest and greatest wish has come true, i will be a mother. I am elated. I also know that i have no idea if the baby is my step fathers child or by my current boyfriend. The dream ends. I wake up laying next to my boyfriend in the bed we share, hoping that the seed he filled me with has taken root inside me... while wondering if i had a dream or a nightmare.

Its odd how current events can effect our minds. I wonder rarely what would have happened if my step father had never left, would we be lovers? Would i hate him as much as i do now? Would i have carried his child as my mother had? How would i feel if these things had happened?  What would my family think of me? More importantly what does it say about me that i take the time to ponder these things?

Saturday, September 25, 2010


Moving to Texas was hard, the weather was drastically different, but then so was the living environment. For a while it was better than before, we were now being cared for by our somewhat strict grandparents. And this was quite different from what we were used to. I was used to not really being around people, constantly locking myself in my room and largely being ignored. I'm used to having a huge section of the house to myself as my mother refused to be around me and my brother preferred his doting mothers presence to my own.
Now suddenly I'm expected to be apart of this "family," (what the fuck is that?) do my chores, and more importantly I'm expect to answer to someone for like the first time ever. Being the angel they new and loved was a cake walk on weekend and a bit of a challenge during the summer but sadly it was an impossible ruse to keep now that i was living under there careful watch. I love them, and I'm sure in there own way they loved me, but at 16 i was used to taking care of myself, having no chores and answering to no one. I was my own boss and at first it was nice that they were looking after me, then it got annoying, and then it started to piss me off.
At the house things weren't too bad, I managed to keep some resemblance to the girl they loved. I attempted to keep up the chores, to not talk back to them, to try to let them know where i was, and most importantly to keep kitten and her desires hidden. I went back to high school, i made good grades, i joined after school groups and i even made friends (who'd thought!)  It was hard but it worked....
Until they suddenly lost their marbles and moved us to the ranch and THEN put the house on the market for sale. Now my complaint wasn't that they moved us to the middle of BFE (butt fucking nowhere) or that it was a little hick town with  a gas station, a church, and a post office and that was it. No it wasn't these things at all. It was that they crammed all 4 of us into a little camping trailer to live and share one bed, with no working bathrooms or showers to save money the 10miles they had to drive to take us to school. 
So now we have to pee and shit outside, we are taking FREEZING cold showers with the water hose outside, in plain sight of anyone who drove up. In the winter they were nice and took us to the state park to take a shower ever couple of days. (how nice right?)  It was so humiliating. I hated them for what they were doing, the only reason i didn't turn them in to social services was i was terrified the state would send my brother back to his dad and i wouldn't see him ever again. I refused to have any friends over for more than a few hours, execpt for my most trusted two friends. 
Oh, and when my friends did come over, my grandparents would smile, say hi and then ask them to come help put up the ceilings or climb to roof of the barn to put something up or run pipes... I would have to fight to get my friends out of having to help and to spend time with me, which is what they had come over for. They weren't hired labor, and i certainly wasn't going to let be free labor either.
Oh wait, your probably thinking my grandparents where poor right? WRONG. They are just cheap. When they finally decided to buy a house did they pay someone to come build one or to have one moved to the property? noooo... to save money they bought three different building (a half of an old high school. a small trailer, and a outdoor classroom) and put them side by side and said a 65 yr old man, 58 yr old woman 17 yr old girl and a 10 yr old boy are going to build/finish a house that's bigger than most barns. This sounds like a really intelligent choice right?
On top of that, I wasn't allowed to get a job. I had no money for college saved and they wouldn't let me work, why? Because then that's one less person to finish this impossible task that they set before themselves.
Which i repeat still didn't have any working bathrooms or showers. They didn't get those in until i was 18 and a senior in high school. But they did  buy a new truck and a couple "new" cars, and by new i mean they are old cars that are my grandpa collects hes got like 23 of them and a barn full of every tool you can think of, but he can't afford to pay someone to finish the house.
On top of all of this that compounded the problem, is the fact that even when me and brother would help, we had to deal with something i have dubbed "the merry go around effect" which is where we move something from the house, to the barn, to the shed, to the house, to the barn.... you get the idea. Everything was done backwards and made getting things done harder. They shouldn't have moved us to the ranch til they had a house that was done, they did They shouldn't have put furniture into a house that didn't have walls or ceilings or floors or water or power, but they did. They shouldn't have made this problem, the kids problem, but they did.
We were kids and our main concern should have been high school, extracurricular activities, work and then college. Work because we didn't have a college fund and no one was going to pay for it. When presented with this problem their answer was we'd get in on scholarships, but those of us who live in the real world know how hard it is to get a full ride into college.
I had tried to be what they wanted me to be, but what they knew, what they loved was an act, that person didn't really exist expect for weekends and however long my summer was with them. It was an image, a mirage, an illusion, and it broke there hearts when it finally shattered. When they finally acknowledged that they didn't know me at all, and that they didn't know how to deal with me. And this was made 100X worse by the environment in which they forced me to live.
By my senior year of high school, i had decided i was never coming back to this hell hole that they wanted me to call home. I refused to do any more work on the ranch, I was planning my future, and i was going to get a far away from them as possible. I refused to move into the "big house" when they did, and stayed in the little trailer that was falling apart by myself, coming up to house only to eat and take a shower. I hated that place so much you couldn't understand unless you lived there.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Try Try Try ( PRESENT)

Ok well niteflirt didn't work out and im going to take it down soon. It was fun the first couple times but i still couldn't accept it. Right now im trying out a couple other sites, one that lets me make stuff and the other is a book site that helps you print your book. Ive been thinking about writing about what happened to me and having it published. I don't know how the world would respond to such a work, or if i want to be totally honest in it or if i just want to leave out a few of the more taboo things. I really have always wanted to write and i have so many ideas. I hope to see these made real one day. (note to self: think of pen name) I also haven't as yet published anything on Lushstories but not for lack of trying. the mods didn't like the style in which i did my story so i wont be posting that one. perhaps ill do a story about my "dream" dom instead. *grins

Thursday, August 5, 2010


After my mom died it was a whirlwind of pain and disbelief..... and lawyers. My ex step-father wanted custody of my brother, a child he didn't call or write or even see 95% of the time. A man who was drunk more often than not, suddenly decide he wanted his son. Of course, if 16 yr old me,wanted, i could come live with him too.

It was just days after my mother died, that my grandparents produced papers written by my mother, detailing "incidents" she had witnessed from when i was younger. One of them, i was 11, and my stepfather was caught kissing me, as one would kiss a lover. I told my mother he had wanted a kiss in return for letting us keep my brother and not taking us back to court. There was more than one "incident", though they wouldn't let me read the rest, i didn't need to. I knew more than what was written on that paper, kitten had always known. After that, they told me how my stepfather in a drunken rage had beat my mother, and myself, that he couldn't be allowed to have my brother. (no kidding)

As court battle began, a mere two weeks after our mother passed. Not even given enough time to mourn her, before he tried to rip our family apart. Not that it was much of a family to being with, but it was better than being around him, at least we knew them, at least i wouldn't have to worry about being abused again. Or worse, that he might go after my brother. Hes only 9.

The court issued that his father would be allowed to visit as the court decided where we should live. My family, even knowing what he had done to me, told me go with my step father and my brother. To make sure he didn't run off with him, it would seem less like they were interfering with the visitation if it was me who went, alone. It was my brother, how could i refuse?

It was about here that kitten began actively switching back and forth from the active personality to running shotgun. I needed her now more than ever, i needed to present a cool, calm, normal face to the rest of world during a time when my whole world was shattered. I had to seem put together for the court, for the social workers who were coming by to see if we were being taken care of, and most importantly for my brother. Each night when the day was over, kitten slid back into her corner of my mind and I screamed and cried for my mother, for the injustice of it all, out of fear of losing the only real family i had left. All while my family slept, so that i would not show my weakness in my tears. So I would seem strong, when i was broken.

The years of hell i had endured living with my mother, even as i lay in my room sobbing and broken, i would have gladly endure the hell that was our home again, forever, if it would bring her back. Despite the fighting, yelling, abusive nature of what was our relationship, i loved my mother. And her death, rocked me to my core. She was so strong, undefeatable, i had thought nothing could stop her. Hell had no fury like my mother when she was angry.

As court worn on, there was a side effect of letting kitten out so much, the image of the perfect child i had worked so hard to make, was slowly shattering and breaking as my family met a very cold, rude, and sometimes mean kitten for the first time. But she had a plan that if the court awarded my brother to his father, we would take him and flee the US. It was well thought out and probably would have been successful.

Thankfully this step was never needed, as the court awarded my grandparents guardianship of my brother and myself. Almost as soon as it was signed, we were moved across the united states to Texas where our new lives began.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Conflicted. (Present)

I have just created a luststories account and intend to post stories there under their incest category. As strange as it may sound it really does turn me on, despite what happened to me, perhaps its because of what happened to me that i find this so intriguing. I think this definitely qualifies as something kitten wants to do, and i think it will help in the end. There is two sides two every coin and the half of the coin i struggle with is the part i enjoyed in it, it wasn't all bad. And based on everything i have to go by, i shouldn't have. This is what society tells me, perhaps they are wrong, perhaps i am more damaged than i know. Only time will tell.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Kitten??? (Present)

I have people ask about kitten, asking what/who/is kitten exactly. Is it just a name, or is she her own personality or even her own person? The answer, I'm afraid is rather complex. Kitten is many things... originally she was a personality i had when i was at home, and only when i was at home, or occasionally when a situation came up that i couldn't or didn't know how to deal with. She has her own memories, her only emotions are lust, rage and hate. She can be empty and void of all feeling when needed, coldly calculating and manipulating. In a fight, her aim was to hurt and maim.

Originally created to deal with the sexual abuse from my stepfather, then later used to deal with the emotional/mental/physical abuse from my mother and now she takes emotional upheaval from my love life or family. She is the one that took all the abuse that i couldn't handle, allowing me to be outwardly (sorta) normal to the rest of world.

When she was not the active personality (say i was in school or visiting family) she would become a small voice in my head, the devil on my shoulder if you will. Urging me to do things that i knew weren't OK. Like wanting me to touch other adult males cocks, or to be touched by them... or to play games i knew if i got caught id be in trouble. Sometimes i listened and maybe played a game of house with a boy, or move a family friends hand to pussy through my clothes as we walked, or putting my hands in the empires (little league baseball) pockets trying to touch him. When asked why i did those things, the answer was always the same... i don't know. And i didn't know why i wanted to do those things... i just did. I didn't understand yet that voice was separate from my own.

After my mother died and i really didn't need her anymore, she took control less and less as i tried desperately to shove her into a corner of my mind and lock her in there. But i found that i couldn't do that, the more i tried to be rid of her the louder the voice got, and memories started to surface that i didn't understand, i thought they were fantasy, twisted, but fantasies.... until my grandparents said they had documentation from my mother that she suspected that i had been sexually abused as when i was 11 she caught me Frenching my stepfather in the kitchen. That's when i started to realize i wasn't fantasising that these where real... it took me several years to realize that she was separate and i couldn't banish her like i wanted. I learned this in college, when i was drinking too much and would wake up next to a guy i didn't like, in clothes i didn't remember owning. Losing control let her out and it terrified me.

Several years later, I've learned to deal with it better.... and my current boyfriend gave her a name... Kitten. until then she didn't have one.... it was just my dark side. This also became my slave name. In submission i can let her out, with someone to control her..... abuse her like she needs and be emotionally there for me.... in BDSM i found a way to being merging the two into I'm no where near close to fully merging with kitten, she has too much pain that i don't understand and knows too much, much too young. But if i am going to survive i need to learn to understand her because she is part of me, and always will be. Thanks, daddy.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Dreaming (present)

Once in a while I dream just like everyone else, sometimes i have good dreams; sometimes nightmares, and then sometimes i have dreams that i dont know what to call them. They aren't bad while im dreaming but when i wake up im so angry, ashamed that i could think such things and more importantly that i wanted those things to happen. Logically, i know these are just dreams and dont mean anything. At the same time though, i can't forgive myself for my dreams, as ridcolous as it is, its true. I can't even tell if these dreams are something kitten is passing on to me and they really happened and/or if they are just really fucked up dreams from an equally fucked up childhood.

Just the other night i woke from a dream, with my boyfriend laying sleeping next to me and quietly in tears i crawled from bed, trying to not wake him. I was crying not because i was scared but because i was angry. Why? My dream: I was chasing my stepfather around our house, i wanted him to let me play with his cock. He was laughing, and making me chase him, calling out to me to come and get him, and he finally stopped in my mothers bedroom. He was standing against the wall, his cock was out and already hard. I smiled and walked over, taking him in my small hands rubbing him slowly, still surprised at how his cock felt in my hand. He looked at me, smiled and told me,"See, you do like it, don't you?" I don't remember the rest, but i woke up with my pussy throbbing, wet with need. And in that moment, i hated myself. I had wanted him, i wanted his touch and more... and it disgusted me. It wasn't my fault, but i was mad at me, for something that happened in a point in my life that i had no control over. Wether its true or not i don't know.

Dreams where i try to get away from him, or tell him to stop don't bother me nearly as much, i guess cause thats the kind of reaction i expect that i should have had. I still am bothered by it but i can roll over and go back to sleep and forget... and hopefully dream something better.