Once in a while I dream just like everyone else, sometimes i have good dreams; sometimes nightmares, and then sometimes i have dreams that i dont know what to call them. They aren't bad while im dreaming but when i wake up im so angry, ashamed that i could think such things and more importantly that i wanted those things to happen. Logically, i know these are just dreams and dont mean anything. At the same time though, i can't forgive myself for my dreams, as ridcolous as it is, its true. I can't even tell if these dreams are something kitten is passing on to me and they really happened and/or if they are just really fucked up dreams from an equally fucked up childhood.
Just the other night i woke from a dream, with my boyfriend laying sleeping next to me and quietly in tears i crawled from bed, trying to not wake him. I was crying not because i was scared but because i was angry. Why? My dream: I was chasing my stepfather around our house, i wanted him to let me play with his cock. He was laughing, and making me chase him, calling out to me to come and get him, and he finally stopped in my mothers bedroom. He was standing against the wall, his cock was out and already hard. I smiled and walked over, taking him in my small hands rubbing him slowly, still surprised at how his cock felt in my hand. He looked at me, smiled and told me,"See, you do like it, don't you?" I don't remember the rest, but i woke up with my pussy throbbing, wet with need. And in that moment, i hated myself. I had wanted him, i wanted his touch and more... and it disgusted me. It wasn't my fault, but i was mad at me, for something that happened in a point in my life that i had no control over. Wether its true or not i don't know.
Dreams where i try to get away from him, or tell him to stop don't bother me nearly as much, i guess cause thats the kind of reaction i expect that i should have had. I still am bothered by it but i can roll over and go back to sleep and forget... and hopefully dream something better.
I'm very moved and impressed by the journey you describe. You appear in your writing as someone quite philosophical, able to synthesize your life's experience. Very commendable and healthy. I am much older than you, and certainly have not had the kinds of adult/child relationships you describe. But nonetheless have had to reconcile my own urges and lusts from a very early age and discovered that my willingness to face the inner voices with love and openness provides its own peculiar magic. Naturally, within this society an initial response to our own desires or feelings may be separation or self-alienation. But at the same time, with patience, the natural ability to expand and look past my own limitations - get some altitude, has proved very rewarding. I laud you, stranger, yours is an endearing and inspiring tale to me. Thanks for posting.
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